Monday, October 18, 2010

Joy and Pain: We Are Never the Same

About this time two years ago I had a miscarriage. It was one of the hardest things I had ever went through. I told myself that there was no way it could happen to me, so I left myself even more vulnerable. Even if you could anticipate a miscarriage it would never prepare you for what you will go through.

 When we found out we were expecting we did no less than 4 tests and rushed to tell our parents. Next we shared the news with the rest of our family and friends. Our excitement could not be contained. I was reading everything I could and buying books right and left. I was even shopping for maternity clothes.

We were beyond thrilled and just could not believe we got pregnant so quick. Even though I was dreading getting larger and gaining weight, I was ready to document the whole pregnancy. I watched my tummy every week just waiting for it to protrude the tiniest bit.

By 11 weeks I was a little disappointed to see that I had not changed one bit. I seemed to have returned to normal little to no weakness and no food aversions. When we went to our 12 week appointment we were very excited to hear that little heartbeat. I knew that we would not get to see the baby on ultrasound but I had read enough to know we would be listening for a heartbeat.

Once we were in the room I was just giddy with excitement. The midwife listened for the heartbeat but it seemed to allude her. So she suggested we move to the ultrasound room so she could use it to pick up the heartbeat. She explained that sometimes it was just hard to find, but I was starting to develop a knot in my stomach.

In the other room we watched the screen. I could not stay focused on it. I knew something was wrong. As I looked at my midwife's face I knew.

The confirmation came from a soft squeeze on my foot from the nurse. It was a touch of sympathy. I knew my baby had not survived.

When the measurements were taken it was still at around 9 weeks along. We had no clue. I had showed no signs of anything going wrong. The baby had probably died not long after our first ultrasound.

I was in shock.

I was not prepared.

I was devastated.

We returned to our original exam room while the midwife checked to see if a more advanced ultrasound machine was available. I knew it was true though. I appreciated the fact she was trying to confirm her findings so far, but I knew the baby was not alive. It all made sense why I seemed to have no pregnancy symptoms.

We waited what seemed like an eternity in silence. When Tony tried talking to me I told him I really just did not want to talk or I would lose it. I really did not want to walk out of the building crying so we waited holding each others hands.

We went down the hall to the next ultrasound room with a special technician and the confirmation came. I was drained and in agony as we made plans to wait the horrible process out naturally, then to proceed with a D&C (dilation and curettage) if nothing happened in 2 weeks.

I was barely able to pay my copay and get out of the office. Once in the car we called our parents and delivered the news. Hopes were crushed, not just our own. This made it even harder for me. I felt like such a failure.

Tony and I took the week off from work. We wanted to just spend the time together and mourn our loss. I just could not face my office and the out pouring of sympathy. I just needed Tony because I did not want to be alone with my thoughts and sadness.

I felt as though I was being mocked by the sweet gestures, hugs, and cards. Everyone was so nice and loving yet I was bitter and could barely cry.

After my D&C, doctors told us we could start trying again after 6 to 9 weeks of healing, but I wanted longer. I was terrified of going through this process again and I did not allow my hopes to get too high.
We found out we were pregnant with Tyler a few months later and I will admit I was very scared. We told only our parents, and waited until we heard the heartbeat to tell others. I did not get overly excited which was such a shame because I wished I had more pictures of me getting fat.

As we watched my belly grow with little Tyler inside we were thrilled and amazed at the little life inside of me. He grew so strong and those first movements were amazing to me. I felt his little hiccups and the doctor said it was a good sign that he was strong and healthy.

Thank you God for those little bits of encouragement.

My pregnancy was perfect and delivery, well that is another story, but regardless we are all happy and healthy now.

From sorrow comes joy, but God will not put more on us than we can bare.


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